


What's in a Name?

by NicholasFawn



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, First Time, Flashbacks, M/M, Making Out, Memories, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 07:22:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16928964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicholasFawn/pseuds/NicholasFawn
Summary: Bucky used to want to erase the part of his life where he didn’t know who Steve was. He wanted every last flash of memory wiped from him. He wanted to start over, and become the Bucky he used to be once again. But Steve didn’t want him to be that person. Steve wanted him to be who he was, and he didn’t care how much the past changed him. Bucky loved him for that.





	What's in a Name?

**Author's Note:**

> First Stucky fic. I got all in my feels after seeing the Endgame trailer. Hope you guys like! Feel free to follow me on my tumblr (the usernames are the same).

Bucky doesn’t let anyone else call him Bucky. He cringes when Natasha says it, the way it falls from her tongue like an insult, and he rolls his eyes when Tony says it. But when Steve says it, it’s like he’s right back home. It’s like they’re young again, skipping rocks into the river and sharing an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. So he’ll only answer to “Bucky” when it’s coming out of Steve’s lips.

Back in the old days, everyone used to call him Bucky. Or James, when he was in trouble. And then the war happened, and he became nameless. He became a number in a line. And then he was brainwashed and became nothing more than a super soldier. The time when he wasn’t in control of his own mind is mostly a blur. But he’ll get flashes of memories. A face here and there, a voice. He might even get a whiff of a scent that takes him back to a particular location. But there’s one thing that haunts his dreams consistently.

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

The pain on Steve’s face when he heard that is something that will never leave him.

Nowadays, he gets to hear Steve say his name in a different context. He gets to see Steve’s face full of pleasure, instead of pain.

“Just like that, Bucky,” Steve murmurs into the skin of Bucky’s neck as Bucky strokes his cock.

“Deeper, Bucky,” Steve whines, burying his face into the pillow as Bucky takes him from behind.

Sometimes they’re urgent. Like if Steve’s been away on a long mission and Bucky can’t - WON’T - take it slow. They fumble to their room, their clothes a minor annoyance, and Steve climbs onto him and rides him until he forgets his own name.

Sometimes they take the time to savor every second. Like the night before a dangerous mission when there’s no guarantee that they’ll come back safe and alive. Bucky counts the minutes ticking by with the kisses he trails over Steve’s torso and thighs.

“Bucky…” he breathes, running a hand through his blond hair. Bucky smiles and rewards him with a tongue on his frenulum.

Bucky used to want to erase the part of his life where he didn’t know who Steve was. He wanted every last flash of memory wiped from him. He wanted to start over, and become the Bucky he used to be once again. But Steve didn’t want him to be that person. Steve wanted him to be who he was, and he didn’t care how much the past changed him. Bucky loved him for that.

Still, it was fun to look at old photos and see just how much they changed. Bucky could hardly believe that there was a time when their smiles were that wide and their eyes were that bright. They had the whole world ahead of them and they were ready to conquer. The fun they used to have in those days, it seems unreal to him.

They kissed for the first time back then.

“You just…just have to gauge her reaction,” Bucky had tried to explain to Steve, still much shorter than him at that point. “Every girl is different.”

“That’s not helpful at all, Buck.” Steve sighed.

“Well, I guess I could show you.” He was joking, of course. Well, half joking. But Steve’s eager reaction was unexpected and not unwelcome.

Steve had scrambled over to where Bucky sat in the grass and pressed their lips together before anything else could be said. Bucky’s hands shot up, holding Steve’s face and kissing him in a way that left him feeling vulnerable. Steve was eager, his mouth opening to accept Bucky’s tongue. They sat in the grass that first day, under the blistering sun, kissing and touching and taking in as much of the other as they could.

They didn’t mention it after that.

Bucky doesn’t like reminiscing. He liked the photos, but he didn’t want to talk about the past. It reminds him of how much he lost. How much they both lost. Steve loves it, so Bucky deals with it.

“Remember that girl you met at the bowling alley?” Steve laughs, sipping from his bottle of beer.

“Missy Jenkins!” Bucky smiles and covers his face. “She was a terrible kisser.”

“She was drunk, Bucky, and she puked on your shoes.”

“Oh well, she still had a pretty smile!”

Bucky is surprised at how much Steve seems to remember. He wonders how much time he spends thinking about the past. He wants to know how much Steve misses it, but he doesn’t ask. Maybe he’s afraid of the answer.

But Steve always makes him feel like first place. He’s always Steve’s first choice.

“You’d think a place like this would have thicker walls,” Sam says over breakfast one morning, eyeing Steve and Bucky over his cup of coffee. “I already know your name, Bucky, I didn’t need to hear it screamed through the wall for the better part of eight hours.”

“Change rooms,” Bucky says, and looks over to Steve who seems to be trying to disappear behind his newspaper. “And don’t call me that.”

“Whatever.” Sam gets up from the table and walks away, and Steve busts out into laughter.

Bucky smiles and watches. Steve’s laugh could cure any bad day.

Most days Bucky feels like he’s part of the group. He allows himself to feel comfortable and safe, a feeling he was so unfamiliar with for a long time. But every now and then, the doubt creeps in. He’ll catch someone looking at him a certain way, or he’ll hear whispers as he walks past them, and suddenly he feels less human than he did when he was brainwashed.

“It’s all in your head, Bucky,” Steve assures him. He distracts Bucky with a hand down the back of his pants and a smirk on his face. Bucky allows himself to get lost in the feeling, if only to make it easier to push the intrusive thoughts away.

“Bucky, wake up,” Steve whispers in his ear, a comforting hand on his chest, right over his pounding heart. “It’s just a dream.”

The nightmares are frequent. Frequent enough that there are permanent dark circles under his eyes. Bruce suggested therapy, but how does he explain to a doctor everything that he’s been through? They’d probably try and have him committed. The only one who can understand is Steve.

The first time they made love, Bucky saw a shyness in Steve that he’d never known.

Steve held tight to Bucky’s shoulders as he pressed into him for the first time. With no condom to dull sensation, Bucky had to go as slowly as possible so he didn’t spend too quickly. Their first time was messy, and a little awkward. It took a while to get into a good rhythm, but Bucky wouldn’t change any of it.

He’ll never forget the feeling of Steve’s hot breath panting into his ear “Bucky, Bucky, Bucky” over and over again. And he’ll certainly never forget how it felt when he reached his climax, filling his lover to the brim.

Bucky didn’t have a lot he could give to Steve. He had no money to speak of, and his only skill was being an elite killer. But he had his name. His name represented all of their past. All of the pain and pleasure in it. Steve gave him the nickname. It was his and his alone. It didn’t sound right coming from anyone else. When someone else called him Bucky, it made him feel as if they could see him stripped down to his core. They could see the terrified young soldier he used to be. When Steve said it, he felt safe.

And that’s the heart of their relationship, Bucky thinks. They feel safe, and they feel loved. He couldn’t ask for anything more.


End file.
